Why Have Kids?

"Why Have Kids, A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness" is a thought provoking page turner. Guaranteed to spark debate and conflicting emotions, this is a super quick and extrememly fascinating read.

I was hooked from the beginning, as Valenti describes her initiation into parenting which involved bringing a 28 week old infant into the world, and all of the uncertainty and heartbreak that went along with it. Having a personal connection myself, I related to her introduction in which she describes disappointment with how her birth experience played out. Valenti writes honestly, and says the things that some of us maybe have wanted to but don't. "This feeling was something else. Something that no baby book or words of wisdom prepared me for. It wasn't unhapiness, so much as an unsettling sense of dissatisfaction, an itch of emptiness that was accompanied with overwhelming shame for not feeling "completed" by parenthood. This was not what I expected." (Xi). At the root of Valenti's thesis, is that parenting today "needs a paradigm shift" and that "the ideal that we're taught to seek and live out- doesn't come close to matching the reality". (Xi).

The book is divided into two sections, "Truth" and "Lies". Although your first impression of this book, especially just the title, might be that this book is anti-kids. It's not at all anti-kids, but it really explores the reality of parenting and the state of parenting expectations that are in place today.

Here are some passages in the book:

Women are still stuck believing that the most important thing they can do for their children is be there for them. All. The. Time. ...I simply don't believe that putting every bit of energy I have into parenting -at the expense of my career, marriage, and social life- will be the difference between [my daughter's] becoming homeless or the president. But too many women are made to believe that every tiny decision they make - from pacifiers to flash cards- will have a lasting impact on their child. It's a recipe for madness. (Page 75).

Women with children also suffer in the workplace in distinct ways that men do not. Male parents who work often have a wife ( either at home or at work) who does the bulk of child care. This support at home frees men up to work more hours and to network outside of work and after work hours- golf games, happy hours. For women with children at home, however, it's incredibly rare that they have similar support from their husbands. Women have a " second shift" at home, filled with child care and responsibilities beyond their work outside the home. (Page 148).

The truth about parenting is that the reality of our lives needs to be enough. Once we let go of a maternal and paternal ideal that doesn't exist, we can do the real work of loving our kids, and having fun doing it. (Page 166).

Read this book parents!